A rare day!

It is raining- first time this much in Phoenix in 8 months- and has rained steadily since noon.
A real treat and luxury for us, and I know I am enjoying it. Only 63 degrees but 97% humidity (extremely rare here) and wonderful. You just want to stay inside and be cozy and snuggle. It is a delicious day. Since I have no one to snuggle, I will read, watch a movie, and get in bed!

Thanksgiving Revisited

Right before Thanksgiving this year, I wrote a true happening that occurred in my nail salon. This was the episode of two women talking about how they hated Thanksgiving. It was called to my attention today that I was being critical of these women (I wasn't, I was just happy I was not like them, or thought as they did), and that just a year ago I had said I also hated holidays.
After thinking about this, yes, I know I did say that. I was referring to all holidays though, not just Thanksgiving, and my reason was because my husband was in a nursing home, and I was alone, and I missed the once festive large gatherings we had every year. Especially on Thanksgiving- my parents would always be with us and my children and my husband, and often other people as well.
I did hate that I had to go to a nursing home to have dinner with my husband, and did hate what was happening in my life. I hope and pray that by now I have accepted it all, and know it is all good.
When I said "I Hate holidays" it was because all of that was gone. I missed it and it didn't seem like fun and joyous for me anymore. I did have another friend call me about that blog, and told me to write "I love holidays" 100 times! I did it 10 times, and by that time had a change of heart, and knew being negative about anything was not a good thing, so I stopped the old negative thought immediately.

What the two women in the salon were hating was buying the groceries, cooking the dinner, and then cleaning up the mess. Those were things I NEVER hated and things I loved doing. I LOVED all the preparation for Thanksgiving (and all holidays). I think there was a misinterpretation of what I said a year ago concerning what I did not like, and what I thought about what these two women had said.
So just explaining this, in case anyone else thinks I was being critical. I definitely did not agree with what the two women said, and have not changed on that at all. When I heard them talking, what they said made me cry, because I wanted that back and I wanted my old holidays back, and they are gone. I wanted a big group and the preparations and the cooking. I was, and still am, thankful I was never like them. I actually felt sorry for them not critical of them. I loved what they said they hated.

Today I am learning to enjoy what I do have. And for what I do have, I am grateful.
I had a lovely happy Thanksgiving this year and am thankful. I also fully expect to have a wonderful Christmas.

Blessings.....as usual

My Thanksgiving Day was absolutely perfect.

We all felt sadness because Joe was missing, but we still had a wonderful family day together, and we were thankful for that. My daughter, Heidi, grandson, Trevor and Heidi's friend, Jimmy had a fun day. Heidi and Jimmy cooked the absolutely perfect dinner and everything was beyond delicious. We all went to Heidi's friend, Mary Lynn's home, for dessert shared together with Mary Lynn and her college-age children. The day was sunny and gorgeous and we even sat outside on patio for awhile and enjoyed Heidi's newly designed waterfall and goldfish pond.

Yesterday I was invited to another scrumptious, delicious dinner at Jay and Shirley's home. They have been friends with Joe since they were all in grade school, and they have been my friends also, for many years now. Jay prepared the most delicious fried catfish ever, and he also can create one of the best salads I have ever eaten, Another friend of theirs, Claire, shared this wonderful meal with us. We had some hours of talking and sharing, and it was all good. I really enjoyed the entire evening and felt blessed.

Life is good.

Thanksgiving thoughts

The last time Joe was in this home was last Thanksgiving Day 2006. It was not easy that day and we knew it would be his last time home, and it was. As much as I miss him, and I miss him terribly, I don't want him back like he was, and know he would not want to be back like that either. I would only want him back like he used to be. That is the Joe I miss.
So even though this Thanksgiving is not as I would like it to be, I still love Thanksgiving, and am grateful for what I do have. I have a daughter in Tempe who is cooking a fantastic dinner and I am invited. I have a grandson I will be happy to see. I have family. I have gratitude for these things. I know I am blessed.
A strange thing happened today. I was at my nail salon, getting a pedicure and overheard two other women talking who were also getting pedicures. They said to each other how they HATED this holiday, that it was the worst holiday ever, and they wished there was no such day as Thanksgiving. All they have to do is cook and clean and they hate doing that and hate the holiday.
I was totally stunned. I was also very, very thankful I am not like them, nor do I think like them. Thank you Universe for this! I love the holiday so much and love having a day to remind us to be thankful, and more than anything LOVE all my past memories. I cry when I think of past Thanksgivings, when my parents came to visit every year, and all my children around the table, and I always got up at 6:00 am and stuffed the turkey and got it in the oven so when my family woke up a few hours later, the house would smell wonderful! I will never forget those days, and I am happy and grateful for the holidays I have now and very grateful for my family and all my blessings. I have always loved the cooking and every detail of Thanksgiving.
I sat in my chair at the salon and thought all these things and started crying. Yes, I am emotional and I don't care. It is who I am. At least I can feel and I can love, and I can cherish Thanksgiving. And tonight I baked pumpkin and cranberry bread, and my little condo smelled wonderful! It truly smelled like Thanksgiving!

Sunday's weekend report.......

It was a good weekend. I accomplished quite a bit- got all my Christmas cards bought and addressed and ready to go. Spent a good portion of weekend doing more cleaning and things in the condo and running errands, but it was all good. Today Heidi and Jimmy came over and Jimmy did several things for me, and then we all went to the Hole in the Wall for a late lunch.

Sat outside by the pool on their large patio and even threw our bread crumbs to the birds!

We planned Thanksgiving at Heidi's. I am bringing the pies and making a salad. Probably sounds boring, but it wasn't-I enjoyed all of it. The weather is absolutely perfect and I love this time of the year.

Sometimes new beginnings hurt

Today is another one of those days. It hurts. I sold Joe's bed on Saturday and
am working on turning that bedroom into my office and putting a twin bed in the room.
Today I am cleaning out some drawers and the closet and packing the rest of Joe's clothing and things into bags for Goodwill. When Nancy and I cleaned out a lot of his things last March (things we knew he would never use again) it was not that hard. But now it is, because he is truly gone. I was ok until I picked up his soft flannel pajamas today and then I fell apart.
Anyone who thinks we don't change, doesn't know or understand life. I change daily it seems.
That's what life is really..... a series of changes, and we darn well better change with it, or we sit in a corner babbling. So I am doing my best today and knowing the truth, that it is all good. I would not want Joe here like he was. I would not wish that on anyone. So I accept the changes, but that doesn't make them easy. They aren't. It is just so much harder than I ever thought it would be...knowing he is really gone. I am so thankful for the many, many years of treasured and cherished memories. Don't think there's another one out there like him. And that is really what I miss and long for. I talk to him all the time and I have no doubt at all that he hears and answers. And I ask him- is there anyone else like you? But I already know the answer.

The joy of the pool.........

My PC says it was 89 degrees when I went to the pool, but I don't believe it. The pool was totally shaded by 4:15, so need to go a little earlier. I am sure the heat was turned on but was quite low, and there was a breeze, so my shoulders felt almost cold all the time they were out of the water. What a joy to be able to finally get back in the pool and do my exercises. I really did enjoy it, even though I would have liked it a bit warmer. Today my hip joints began to hurt, so that really got me back in the pool. Tomorrow I will get a massage, and next week will see the chiropractor. Know the real problem is that my body is out of alignment, and I have been way over 2 weeks not in the pool. The pool really keeps me pain free, but right now I need all my resources to get myself back in shape. I tried wearing thong sandals on my feet today, but my right foot did not like that either. So back to more support until it is 100% healed.

What a fall this has been. Have never known a time of my life with so many deaths. First, my friend Carmen late August, then Joe in early September and then Carmen's husband's mother and Carmen's mother have both died, and Phil (my sister Nancy's husband) has now lost 2 of his brothers, one in August and one this week. (Nancy said he was dying 2 days ago and have not heard anymore from her, so that tells me they are probably out of town). Then today Esther writes me that her half sister in Lake Havasu has died this week. I knew or had met all of these people except Esther's sister. Maybe this is just what it is like as you get older. I remember Joe and I used to say every time his mother called us, it was to tell us someone she knew had died. Now here I am, going through the same thing.

Hospice of the Valley called me today just to check on me and see if I wanted anyone to talk to me, and would even send someone to my home. They are so wonderful! I declined but I appreciate. I think I am doing fine. I have my moments, but that is normal.

Feeling good...feeling thankful!

I woke up this morning after 9 1/2 hours sleep, feeling rested and wonderful. I began on second night in Illinois sleeping like a baby, all snuggled under blankets, my favorite way to sleep. This seemed at the time (as I slept wonderfully the rest of my nights there also) like a miracle and I wondered could I take this home with me. And I have! The last few months were so stressful for me, that sleeping became a real luxury. I have more energy and feel great. And this morning there was no pain in my feet at all. The rest of the good news, is that I never gained any weight during the 7 days I was gone (another miracle to me) and weighed the same on my return home as I weighed when I left. I was truly amazed at that! And more good news, today I have lost 3 more lbs. since I have been home. The bags under my eyes are getting smaller too. Well, that is my good news and good feeling for this day, and I feel happy. I give much thanks for all of these blessings. I learned long ago to say thank you for everything. Sometimes that takes more effort than it does at other times, but I still do it. I say thank you for everything!! Because it ALL Good. Even when it does not look like it is, it is meant for our highest good.
"Give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."...Brian Tracy
"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled in wonder.".....O.K. Chesterton
And on a lighter note: "Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'no thank you' to dessert that night. And for what?!"......Erma Bombeck

The Universe said stop!

I am home but am home bound, not a good thing, but maybe what I need. Last night my right foot was swollen so much, that it was double the size of my left foot. Sharp shooting pains every time I walk (feels like electrical currents), so life has come to a stop for me right now. I learned what I definitely cannot do, and have learned it the hard way (per usual for me, it seems). My wonderful mail delivery person, Darrell, has told me the rear tire on my car is way too low for me to drive on it. So as soon as I am able to meet AAA at my car, will get that corrected. Decided I might should wait until I was able to get another tire (if necessary) and that is not going to happen today. Can't even go to the pool, which I wanted to do with in 24 hours of arriving home. Oh well. The Universe must be telling me to slow down and take care of myself, so guess that is what I will do (no other choice really!). I did get very good news from Emerson Theological Institute. Had a phone message from the president, Dr. Pizelo, saying my final paper is being reviewed, and I do have a written exam yet to take, but my name is on the list of graduates for next March now! Yea! One lifetime goal accomplished, or almost accomplished. At least, I have completed all the work! My new goal is to be able to walk again (with no pain)!

Monday evening with Zach.........

Finally, Zach had a night off (no date, no football game, and didn't have to work), and since it is was my last night here, it worked out perfectly. I had a very laid back day and stayed home all day until Zach and I left at 4:00 pm.
Zach and I went to two stores of his choice, Dick's Sporting Goods and the Gap, and he got 3 new shirts and a new pair of shoes, all from grandma (me), as early Christmas (since I am never around him at that time of the year.) More fun for us both this way. Then we went to dinner (just the two of us) to California Pizza Kitchen and he had shrimp fettucini and I had lettuce wraps. We had a very nice time and I was glad to have some time alone with my almost 17 year old grandson. He also took me over to his girlfriend's house and I got to meet her, and take a couple pics of them. She is very cute and sweet. (her name is Angela)
After we got back home about 6:00, I then went with Brian, Deidre, Isaac, and Emma to the library for music time (singing, storytelling) all by this wonderful man named Alan Lieberman. He played his guitar, sang his own made up songs, and Emma Ruth started running all over the place to see the other little girls, and dancing! So cute!

This morning is packing, watching Frazier on TV, and playing with Emma. We leave for Chicago airport about noon. Home tonight in AZ! I have something wrong with my foot, so am leaving in pain. Oh well. Small price to pay for a wonderful trip.

Blackberry jam for Joe......and more.......

It was cold and rainy almost all day. When it is dark and cloudy and no sun, I can get depressed very easily. It is why I can only visit places like this. They are great for a brief time, but I would always feel depressed with so many days like today. It was also Joe's birthday today, so that even made the day harder to deal with. Deidre bought a jar of Joe's favorite jam-blackberry and sat it by his photo and candle on the table. But even with these two factors going on, I had a nice day. I think I was just determined to have one, and I did. This morning Brian, Deidre, Isaac, and Emma and I went to the Apple Villa in Batvia, and had a wonderful breakfast together. Along with everyone's breakfasts, Deidre always orders an Apple Kugel, which is incredible, so after my omelet, I had a small wedge of the kugel. I had been here once before, so knew it was delicious. We came home after eating as the rain was coming down even more. Then about 3:00 this afternoon the rain stopped and the sun tried to shine, so we all got into the car again and went to the Japanese Tea Garden and museum. The house was built in 1800's but remodeled and increased in size in 1907 when Frank Lloyd Wright was hired to do this. It is quite incredible. It sits on 350 acres on both sides of the Fox River and we really enjoyed the tour. What a beautiful area. This was in Geneva, Illinois. So many little cities and you just pass through one right into another and then another.
Tonight I got to see Emma Ruth dance. It is the funniest thing ever and we all just laughed and laughed. She is so tiny and so cute. She swirls her little arms and twists and then raises her arms up in the air over her head, and she sticks her little butt way out. She is a riot.
Today the whole family (not me) dressed in RAIDERS clothing- even Emma was in a little Raiders cheerleader outfit, Brian and Isaac had on Raiders shirts or jackets, and Deidre even had on Raider shirt. Emma was the cutest, of course.
I only have one more day here- how the time has flown by! Of course, it is 2 days just for travel time, so was only here 5 full days plus the travel days.
I am going to miss them all, but will be glad for warmer Arizona weather!

Another fun day in Illinois.....

It is reminiscent of growing up as a child in the Midwest and snuggling under piles of blankets to keep warm at night, to be here and do the same thing once again. Deidre and Brian just this past summer turned their full basement into a bedroom, living room, dining room, exercise room, bathroom and storage room. All very, very nice, but much, much colder in the basement! So I only come down here to sleep and use Zachary's computer. But it has been great sleeping in the cold, yet being more than warm enough, as my sleep is so much better! Amazingly better!
This morning Deidre dropped Isaac and I off at the Elburn library ( the most fabulous library I have ever been in!!) and we spent over an hour doing the fall Crafts class and made all kinds of fun things! Isaac made a Halloween mask, a bookmark, two decorated items to go on the refrigerator (with magnets attached) and I helped him and also made a decorated Halloween witch to take home for my refrigerator and I made a Halloween necklace for Emma. Then we spent time in the library and he played with friends with all the toys they have there. What an interactive and fun place. Then Isaac and I did several Halloween games with each other that the library furnished for us to do.
After taking Isaac home, Deidre and I went back to Portillo's (again) for lunch
and had a fun time eating their fabulous hamburgers and onion rings. It is such a fun place to go and always packed- the most popular spot anyone could ever imagine. She said she always wanted to take her dad (Joe) there and he would have loved it. They serve these huge glasses of beer, and he would have loved that as well as the hamburgers. Tomorrow would have been his 76th birthday, so we both kind of dread tomorrow. It will be hard for us both.
She is fixing Mexican food for dinner tomorrow in honor of him as he loved Mexican food.
This entire day was wonderful and Deidre told me she really enjoyed it and so did I. Brian was home all day and will be off work tomorrow, too, so that has made it easier for Deidre and I to do some things together. What a super father and husband he is- just a fabulous man. He is so great with Isaac and Emma and as busy as he is, he shares all the work with Deidre and is just great. Lots of teamwork here and it is nice to see it.
So...it is colder outside than I am used to...but much warmth in this family...and all is good.

Pumpkins and Corn everywhere you look here!

This is corn country for sure! And it was beautiful and sun shining today but a bit chilly for me. 58 degrees this afternoon, but much colder when sun goes down. About 4:40 this afternoon we went to a Pumpkin Festival- little cool and should have gone earlier, so we plan to go back another day at an earlier time. Isaac did not want to leave-he loved it there. That was expected, but the big surprise to me was how much Emma Ruth loved it too. She cooed over the wooden pig and pumpkin cutouts, and loved the goats and bunnies. She just ran her little legs off looking at everything, and would not hold hands with anyone. She has a definite mind of her own. When her daddy says "give me five", she hold up her tiny little hand and smacks his hand!
After we left the Pumpkin Festival (of which Isaac noted, there were no pumpkins!), we went to Portillo's- wow! this place is so great I broke my "food program", and had a delicious chopped salad (which was ok for me), with a few bites of the best chocolate cake ever made. They are famous for their chocolate cake. But after taking a bite of Isaac's burger, I am going back tomorrow and have one of their burgers! (best I have ever eaten)
I just read to Isaac for his bedtime, and read him half of his "Batman and the Mad Hatter" book, promising to read the other half tomorrow night. I also told him some stories about my grandmother and things I did when I was a little girl in Oklahoma. He loved it.
Zachary is at a football game tonight, so have not seen him since he left for school this morning.
It has been another wonderful day.
(the post time listed is AZ time not IL time- I wrote this around 7:30 pm)

More fun in Illinois, and sister, too.........

I am always writing this a day after the fact...yesterday. my sister Nancy, and her husband Phil, arrived from Kansas. They had planned a trip to see one of Phil's army buddy's (this trip was planned before they knew I was coming to Illinois), and it turns out ("as usual") the army buddy lives only an hour from my daughter. So they spent a couple days there and then arrived here around noon yesterday.It was their first time to see Emma Ruth and they had not seen Isaac since Deidre lived in Vegas, which was a few years ago. So we had a fun and joyous day, and they spent the night here (being good sports and sleeping on couches!) and left about 9:00 this morning to drive back to Kansas, which is a 10 hour drive for them.

I walked Isaac to kindergarten yesterday morning at his school, and then walked back to get him at 11:30. He is only there 3 hours and he loves it. Then I spent much of the afternoon helping him with his homework. Yes, lots of homework comes with kindergarten these days! This morning his great-uncle Phil walked him to school, only this morning, Isaac rode his bicycle and Phil almost had to run behind him, and then Phil helped him lock up his bicycle at school. Isaac loves company here and loves everyone walking him to school.

Emma Ruth is the darling and joy of every one's life! She keeps us laughing and she has this amazing cheerful and very pleasant disposition, and she is a Leo!
She has a unique sense of humor and thinks odd things are very funny. It is wonderful to see her laugh! What a precious treasure she is!

Zachary rushed in the door at 3:00 from school and had to leave very soon after to work from 4-10:00 last night. So I never saw him after he got home last night, as I crashed at 8:30 and slept until 8:00 this morning. That was wonderful! I did see Zachary briefly this morning as he had a rough night sleeping on a sofa in Isaac's playroom and went to school late this morning.
This is one busy household, with children of varying ages!

This morning is peaceful, and after a leisurely hot shower (the hottest water in the world is here-wish my water got this hot!)- I am enjoying the peace and quiet, and thrilled to have life slow down for me a bit. I was so looking forward to this trip, since the past month has been non-stop busy and stressful, as well as sad and shedding many tears. So it is so nice to be happy and be around such happiness and joy, and to calm down and slow down. Deidre had brand new white soft towels for me, my own new bath scrubbie, new bar of Dove soap, and a meditation CD on the player by my bed, and even had a duck sticker on the right button for me to press to turn it on to play when I went to bed. I hope this was for my ease and pleasure (and am sure it was) and not because she thinks I am too old to find the button! She also bought a lovely plant with red flowers for me to enjoy and all my favorite foods, and my favorite french vanilla sugar free creamer.
I am grateful and I am blessed.

More Happiness..........

I am in very cold, very windy Illinois. That does not matter at all to me, as I am very happy to arrive at my daughter Deidre's home and see my three wonderful grandchildren. Isaac, who is in kindergarten, had drawn a picture just for me and put it on my bed, and had also put one of his favorite stuffed animals on my bed for me to sleep with! He also had a storybook on his bed for me to read to him, if I got here before he fell asleep. Since it was 9:00 or later by time I arrived, he& Emma were both asleep, so I just peeked in on them. I haven't seen Isaac for a year and he has grown so much, and Emma is now walking and dancing! She is so tiny for her age but she eats like a truck driver! What a joy to see them and to also see Zachary, now 17 years old. What a happy day it is to be here with them! Brian was waiting for me at the airport in Chicago and went with me to baggage & handled all my bags for me. Deidre had everything absolutely perfect for me. I am being treated like royalty!

My happiest moment on Tuesday

I have been writing down my happiest moments (one or two a day so far) for three days now in my new purple journal. Yesterday was the hardest, and barely got one, but finally found it.
Today is the one I wish to write about though. My happiest moment to0day began as an idea as I was driving to a Dr. appt. this morning. I decided to call my daughter, Heidi and ask her if she wanted to have lunch with me today. I called her and she said yes, and we decided I would come to downtown Tempe where she works, and call her as soon as I was parked, and she would come meet me and we would go back to her office. I had not seen her new office since she moved in a beautiful new bldg., and had been wanting to see it. It was the continuation of happy to see her incredibly wonderful, fantastic office- she could not be in a more lovely office. But where we went to lunch was the supreme moment of happiness for the day. We walked a very short distance to a relatively new restaurant called "I AM". WOW! What a name! It is all healthy and organic food and is the most wonderful, really truly wonderful restaurant! She knows the owner as she is the one who showed him the space and signed him up for the location-(as part of her job). His name is Austin Vickers and he came and talked to us when we were eating lunch. I would say he was wonderful, but have already used that word too much, but he was anyway. He has 3 floors and one floor is for yoga, and the 3rd floor is for life coaching. I am highly recommending this restaurant so check it out online.
I had a Caesar and artichoke salad with yellow green tomatoes and salmon. Heidi had an Ezekiel 4:9 bun with wild salmon on it and fresh fruit. You choose your "vibe" for the bottled water and I chose JOY. I also had mint herbal hot tea.
This was a very enjoyable lunch and some very happy moments with Heidi today.
Today was exactly one month since Joe died. So I think we needed this lunch.
We shed a few tears and then had a happy lunch together.
My hardest day was yesterday as it was one month since I last saw him yesterday. That last day I spent 8 hours with him, and when he closed his eyes to sleep that evening, he never woke up the next morning. Joe is smiling over our happy day today.

Renee Morgan Brooks-supreme soloist

Renee....how can I ever thank you? I can't, and I know that, as words do not suffice at all.

I have known Renee 20 years or more, but never really KNEW her until we made contact in August about her singing at Joe's memorial service, and the many contacts we have had since then. Everyone at Joe's services has said to me that they have never heard anyone sing like Renee. I truly think the whole world is in love with her, as well they should be. Yesterday she sang at my church, Creative Living Fellowship and after the service I not only talked to her and hugged her, but I bought her new CD. And that is why I am writing this. Her CD is titled Songs for Celebrating Life, and it is that and more. I especially love track 2, TIMELESS. Wow, what a song! But my true favorites on the CD are her last 3 tracks, and especially the words she speaks, and above that, especially the words she speaks at beginning of track 10. As I listened to the CD this morning, tears flowed down my cheeks. Renee, you are amazing!

Renee finally has a website and it is not finished yet but you can check it out. I don't know if you can buy her CD's online yet but am sure you will be able to soon. Check it out: reneemorganbrooks.com

Love you Renee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blessing of the bears and beginning of Prayer Bear Ministry

In my next lifetime...I want to be a Bear

I’m Gonna be a Bear
(everytime I read this I smile)

"In this life I’m a woman. In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear.
When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for Six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If your a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup… i’m gonna be a bear."

I love this poem and had to find it online, after taking all the bear photos last evening. Plus planning to take more bear photos this Sunday, when the multitude of bears are blessed at my church. This is a photo of my 3 bears and all the bears my friend Kathy W. brought me last night to take to the church on Sunday. Last Monday Nancy and I bought 3 bears and took those to my church also. My 3 bears in the photo are Joe's blessed prayer bear that was given to him by Rev. Mitzi a couple weeks before he died; and the small white bear is mine I got to go with his brown bear; and the larger white bear I bought for Esther, so guess she is seeing her gift early. When she saw my bears, she said she wanted a blessed bear too, so told her I would get her one and I would personally bless it for her!